Not in a good way
by Nuredhel
Summary: Glorfindel has to escort a rather terribly nagging and boring scholar from Imladris to Mirkwood and back and the ellon totally ruins the stay for everybody but on the way back they all get the revenge they have been dreaming of. Still waters can hide things you dont wanna think about! Parody/humor. one shot. Glorfindel/OMC/Elrond. just a silly idea With some Language.


Not in a good way!

Glorfindel was annoyed, no, he was genuinely pissed off and there was nothing he could do about it. He stared at the back of the rider in front of him and if looks could kill then that despicable old grouch of an ellon would have been deader than the Balrog he once slayed!

Glorfindel had been fuming for days, first he was ordered by Elrond to escort this terribly spoiled scholar from the coast, he had visited Imladris and insisted on visiting Mirkwood too, to widen his horizon as he so elegantly put it. That the journey was long and dangerous was obviously nothing he cared about, he got guards with him right? Glorfindel had to baby sit the darn ellon all the way to Mirkwood. And when they had arrived there and Glorfindel hoped that they now could return home to relative peace and quiet it just so happened that Thranduil didn't have any warriors to spare and so Glorfindel and the three other warriors chosen for the mission had to stay there for two whole weeks and guard the scholar also on the way back to Imladris.

Staying in Mirkwood wasn't that bad, he had been there before and he had liked it, he had learned a lot and he had hoped to relax and perhaps join the Mirkwood warriors on their patrols. But no, he wasn't so fortunate, in fact, the scholar demanded that Glorfindel spent every waking hour in his presence just to make sure he was safe. After all, the Silvan were less wise and more dangerous right? Nobody could really trust them or what?

On the way to Mirkwood the scholar didn't really act so bad, he was too busy making notes of everything he saw and he did bother the other three warriors with stupid question even an elfling should have been able to find the answer to just by using common sense. Aradhelion had then gradually started to seek the company of Glorfindel more and more and the golden haired warrior was getting more and more annoyed. It was obvious that the scholar was deeply impressed by Glorfindel's reputation and he asked questions all the time. Glorfindel sometimes wanted to stuff something down his throat just to make him shut knew that the ellon was someone who had served under Gil-galad just as Elrond had but Glorfindel seriously doubted that this ellon ever had seen a battlefield and if someone tossed him a sword he would probably end up hurting himself seriously.

At night Aradhelion had been shivering like a mouse in front of a hungry cat the whole night long and he would jump and squeak if there was the smallest sound, if one of the horses farted he would scream like a little girl and if a squirrel or another animal showed up he would act as if he had spotted an army of bloodthirsty orcs. The warriors were tired of his nervous behavior and also of his constant nagging and complaints. The ground was too hard to sleep on, it was too cold, too hot, the horses did stink, the clothes he was wearing was smelly too, the food was boring and not worthy of someone as highly regarded as himself. And when they arrived in Mirkwood it got worse. Oh of course he didn't complain or nag in front of his royal highness Thranduil or his son prince Legolas, he was terrified of Thranduil and whenever he saw the monarch he would bow and be nothing but grateful and praise everything a little too much for it to sound convincing.

Glorfindel had to listen to every darn speech coming from the old idiot, it was obvious that he wasn't too impressed with Mirkwood after all. He was complaining about the room he had gotten even though it was one of the best guestrooms they had, the bed was too small, the servants lazy, the food too well cooked, they used the wrong spices. His bath was too cold and his newest robes had arrived wrinkled up. Glorfindel could have strangled the guy. Then Thranduil did throw a party and Glorfindel knew very well how much fun you could have at one of those parties, he was looking forward to it and he had caught the eye of quite a few very well made ellith and a couple of ellyn too and he wouldn't mind getting to know them better, much better. He hadn't had decent sex for months and was starting to get a little stressed out. He did really need to get laid, he should get compensated for the horrible job of baby sitting the driest and most boring person ever.

Of course Glorfindel missed his opportunity to have fun, Aradhelion kept him occupied the whole night with jobs worthy of a servant, getting wine, listening to boring and vicious gossip and always making sure that the darn ellon looked his best. Glorfindel wanted to cut the scholars braid off or pour acid into his bath water. The ellith did shun him and so did the ellyn and when he finally got a break Aradhelion started chatting with Thranduil and since he was getting more than a little drunk he was in immediate danger of being thrown into the dungeons. Elrond had given Glorfindel the responsibility of keeping Aradhelion safe and so he had to intervene, very reluctantly. He didn't want to cause a diplomatic episode and pulled Aradhelion away from the now fuming king claiming that there were some very rare flowers blooming in the gardens. Of course there weren't but he got Aradhelion away from Thranduil before the king threw a tantrum. The scholar had managed to claim that Thranduil's beloved queen had been nothing but a gold digger and that his father had been just a nobody not worthy of a crown at all. No wonder Thranduil was ready to explode.

Aradhelion had managed to become hated by almost everybody in the entire realm within the short time span of two weeks, it was a feat of great proportions. The servants hated his guts for always complaining about everything they did, the warriors for interrupting their training to ask silly questions. The maids for having their butts pinched in a not so very charming way, the stable hands hated him since he thought he knew everything about horses so much better than they did. The cook hated Aradhelion for asking for something more tasty when the poor cook had done his very best and the counsellors and scholars of the court hated Aradhelion with a vengeance since he was talking to them as if they were ten years old.

Glorfindel had sometimes feared that he would have to intervene and stop a fourth kin slaying and one of exceptional brutality that is. Legolas got red in the face and ran in the opposite direction whenever he saw the scholar, Aradhelion had managed to claim that Legolas was way too feminine to become a good warrior, and Glorfindel knew that very few warriors were as deadly as the woodland realms crown prince. The ladies of court looked as if they had spotted an orc wearing only underwear whenever the scholar showed up, he had insulted them all by claiming that they were so very old fashioned and that his great grandmother who had been one of the first to awaken had worn dresses better than theirs, and their hairstyle was just so…primitive.

Thranduil looked as if he had bitten into a very sour lemon when Aradhelion showed up and his butler Galion did often make a gesture as if he was trying to put a finger down his throat in order to make himself throw up whenever Aradhelion walked by. The ellon had absolutely no social intelligence and he was completely unaware of it. Glorfindel almost lost it when Aradhelion started to discuss a nasty rash one of the warriors had gotten on the way to Mirkwood in front of everybody, the poor warrior was ready to throw himself onto his own sword when Glorfindel found him.

Aradhelion was a menace, a curse, worse than the pestilence itself. Glorfindel started to believe that Elrond had sent him to Mirkwood just to get rid of him, the fact was that Imladris too had suffered severely when Aradhelion was there and he had even managed to piss off the twins and that was almost unheard of. They had of course tried to prank the ellon by adding prune juice to his wine for its laxative effect but Aradhelion had not been angry, in fact he had been grateful and thanked them wholeheartedly for the help with his bothersome constipation and then he had, in graphic detail, described the results of the prune juice on his digestive system. Elrohir had thrown up and Elladan didn't manage to eat for three whole days and the rest of the elves in the dining hall at the time had shown up at the healer's office complaining of terrible nightmares, headaches and suicidal thoughts.

And then finally they were ready to leave Mirkwood, Thranduil had pulled Glorfindel to the side and with a very low and yet stern voice told him where there were orcs or spiders and that it was legal to "make sacrifices" for the common good. Glorfindel did understand but Elrond trusted him and so they couldn't just get themselves into trouble on purpose and leave the darn scholar behind to save themselves. The last days had been warm, very warm. The sun did shine from a sky free of anything even resembling clouds and the heat was unbearable. Glorfindel was cursing as he rode behind the scholar, the worst cusswords he knew and he did have quite a collection of them but he had gone through most of them now and had turned to Khuzdul and Black tongue to vent his feelings.

Aradhelion had been complaining on the way too Mirkwood but that was nothing compared with what he did now, his mouth didn't stop pouring out complaints even for a minute. It was too hot, the horse was too slow, or too feisty. There were mosquitos and flies and the forest didn't smell right. One of the other warriors had very seriously asked if he please could bind and gag the ellon before they all went insane and ended up skinning him like a deer. Glorfindel was tempted, really tempted but he couldn't give that permission. They had ridden for a week and had yet some days to go when the heat wave reached a level that was unbelievable. It made the air shiver and the trees looked almost brown, it was getting so very dry now and Glorfindel was almost hallucinating about how wonderful it would be to return back home where it was cool and moist and where cold rivers did run.

They had ridden down a hill towards a small river that was almost dry when Aradhelion started to demand that they stopped, he was too hot. Elves are not as sensitive to heat or cold as humans but this was terrible even for them and all the elves were soaking with sweat and the horses were suffering too. Aradhelion was nagging and nagging and complaining, he felt filthy, he did stink, his hair was dirty, his clothes were terrible and so on and so forth until Glorfindel seriously started to think that maybe kinslaying wasn't such a terrible sin after all, the Valar were forgiving weren't they and he had done lots of good stuff which could compensate right?

They reached a pond and Aradhelion was almost screeching with anger and annoyed pride, he demanded that they allowed him to take a bath. Glorfindel knew that the forest was anything but safe but the heat had probably caused also the orcs and spiders to seek shelter and so he just gave up and signaled for a stop. The horses were panting and needed water and the riders were sore and tired and so he realized that although they would be late having a long rest was needed.

Aradhelion jumped off his horse and ran down to the pond, it wasn't really big but tempting and he ordered the others to turn around, Glorfindel rolled his eyes and the three warriors were chuckling. Elves are usually not shy and they thought this kind of behavior was just plain silly. Aradhelion went in right away and Glorfindel turned around again, the ellon stood in water up to his chest and was sighing blissfully. The three warriors were looking at Glorfindel pleadingly and he shrugged. " Sure, we'll all bathe but wait until he is done, we cannot all go in the water, someone has to keep watch."

The three sat down to rest and make some food and Glorfindel got rid of his clothes except from his pants, he was so warm and Aradhelion was staring at him with wide eyes. Glorfindel knew he was stunning and he did like to strut a bit but the way the scholar stared at him almost made him cringe. He had already guessed that the scholar did swing in both directions but he would rather sleep with a rabid boar than this awful person. They waited by the small pond for a while. Aradhelion was just standing in the somewhat muddy water with his eyes closed in relief and the warriors were envious of him. Then the scholar finally decided that it was time to get back up again before he started looking like some giant sponge. He started walking through the water but suddenly he stopped with a peculiar expression on his face and appeared to be fumbling with something underneath the water. Glorfindel was looking in that direction at the moment a most terrifying scream could be heard, it was so shrill and loud it would have made a ring wraith green with envy and it could have made their ears bleed if it had been just half an octave higher.

Glorfindel stared at the scholar who stood in the water like he was frozen and screamed like crazy, he was pale as snow and his eyes enormous with shock. Glorfindel didn't know what to do, was it some monster in the small pond? Had something attacked the scholar? But he did stand still, he didn't move? The warriors stared too, confused and scared and they didn't dare to go near the pond until they knew what it was that made the scholar scream like that. Glorfindel ran down to the pond, Aradhelion was obviously clutching his crotch with both hands and he was almost jumping up and down. His eyes were rolling in his head and Glorfindel did for a second seriously believe that maybe there were pike in the pond and that they had gotten tempted by what they saw dangling and took a bite out of it. But there was no blood in the water and the pond had to be rather warm too, no fish could survive in there for long.

Aradhelion then started making mewling sounds and he sort of skipped forward, with his legs pressed together and his eyes bulging like those of a deep sea fish that's been pulled up too fast. He reached the shore and Glorfindel stared at the scholar and he was gaping. The warriors stared too and they weren't less shocked than him. The pond had leeches in it, lots of them. And now each and every one of them seemed to be happily dining on Noldorin elf blood.

Aradhelion had at least fifty leeches attached to his skin and they were everywhere, on his legs, his butt, his back, his belly and most had attached themselves to his groin area. There were a cluster of them hanging from his balls and it was a grotesque sight. The condition of the ellon's physique didn't make things any better, no elf is ugly but it was rather obvious that physical labor wasn't Aradhelion's favorite way to spend his days. He was soft and pale and even though nobody could call him fat he wasn't exactly fit. 'The leeches were pulsing as they were feeding and Glorfindel saw why he was holding his hands in front of his gweth, it too had gotten its fair share of leeches. About ten had latched onto the organ and it was no doubt that the ellon felt it. He staggered onto the beach and fell down onto his knees and then he tilted forward with a moan and lay there wriggling like a worm.

Glorfindel just stared, he was so in shock of the sight he was almost paralyzed. Then one of the warriors started laughing, he was laughing so hard he fell too and lay there kicking in the sand, and before long the other two joined him wholeheartedly. Glorfindel too wanted to laugh, he felt his insides twisting at the sight and yet it was so terribly comical. But he had to act now before the poor ellon lost too much blood. He got tinder and flint from his saddle, got a small fire going and then he ordered the warriors to grasp a hold of Aradhelion's arms and legs and hold him.

Glorfindel started removing leeches one by one by pressing a glowing stick to them and Aradhelion was screaming and crying and writhing and cursing. Glorfindel removed the one's on his gweth last, the scholar just lay there now, panting and rolling his eyes in horror and disgust. The bites didn't hurt, but the shock and horror of it had thrown the ellon into a state of catatonic shock. He just lay there shivering and moaning.

Glorfindel got all the leeches, then he cleaned the wounds and they had to wait for two whole hours before it stopped bleeding. Aradhelion didn't speak nor move at all, he was just staring into nothing with a face as pale as a clean sheet of paper and he was constantly whimpering something about his mother and monsters. Glorfindel did almost pity the ellon, almost. They rested there until the day after and the three warriors and Glorfindel did bathe too, in the river, where there were no leeches. Glorfindel had to have Aradhelion in front of him in the saddle since the ellon still was in shock and he didn't speak at all for the rest of the journey. He just sat there mumbling and blinking and clutching his gweth like he was afraid that it would fall off.

Glorfindel and the others rode onto the courtyard of Imladris just before it got dark. Elrond came to greet them and he stared at the ellon Glorfindel was holding in his arms. They hadn't managed to get any clothes onto Aradhelion and he was still not able to communicate. Elrond gasped and just blinked. "What in the name of the Valar have happened to him? Orc attack? Spider bite?"

Glorfindel jumped off Asfaloth and petted the horse on the neck, he grasped Aradhelion as if he was a bag of potatoes and put he down very unceremoniously. He grinned widely and his eyes were a bit vicious when he answered the healer's question. "No, nothing like that. I guess he just got sucked off big time, but not in a good way!"

Elrond just stared at the Balrog slayer who walked up the stairs whistling. His job was over for this time and he had never been so glad he was back home in Imladris and before the night fell everybody would know of the leeches and Aradhelion's gweth.

(Gweth: Sindarin for Penis.)


End file.
